I have been reflecting a lot lately on my past, and more particularly my more recent past; my college years. Even though it wasn't that long ago, I guess that I have had a hard time reconciling the person I am now with the person that I was back then.
I decided today to read over some of my old journals to relive and remember those days. I have never been an avid journal-keeper. In fact, I am quite terrible. But I find it interesting, and probably no coincidence, that the most trying times of my life (thus far) are the times when I wrote the most in my journal. I am grateful that I have records of these experiences so that once in awhile, on days like today, I can go back and read about them.
2006 was my best journaling year by far. As I read the entries, I began to see patterns in my life and in my emotions/feelings. Like probably every college-age young-adult, I was struggling to find out who I was, what I wanted to do with my life; I was wanting to find friendship, acceptance, attention, and love. Those years of my life were a constant battle with myself as I struggled to love myself for who I was. I was (and still am) really good at picking out my weaknesses and flaws, at magnifying them, and in the meantime blocking out all the positive things about myself. All I could see when I looked in the mirror was someone who struggled with depression, with being overweight, and who got anxiety from social settings. Hello, college could practically be defined as a whole series of social settings! But aside from those relatively minor things, I was also struggling at the time with my parent's separation and divorce. At a vulnerable time in my life, when I needed stability at home, it was not there. I found myself very lost and looking to other things for comfort - like food.
As I read through some of my innermost feelings and experiences of that time, I found myself crying. I felt so sad for this 18-year-old girl who used to be me. I wanted to reach out to her in someway and tell her that everything was going to be alright. Suddenly songs like "Letter to Me" by Brad Paisley and "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert came to mind. I wanted to tell her to just hang in there. That in six short years she would be happily married; that on her wedding day she would be thin and virtually acne free; that those hard and difficult experiences would only help her and mold her into the person she would later become.
I truly know that those things have shaped me into who I am today. And I think I can honestly say I am grateful for those experiences; for everything that I went through; the good and the bad. I look back now and realize how far I have come. But I know that the growing up for me is not over. More trying times are bound to come, but I know that I can get through them. I have done it before.
