*Note: This post talks a lot about boobs. . . read at your own risk.
For a long time now, I have been wanting to share my story and feelings about formula feeding Kyler. It was a long and difficult road for us, and probably the hardest part about becoming a new mother for me.
When you are expecting a baby, you get all kinds of mixed messages from women about what breast-feeding will be like: "It is hard!" "I love it!" "It is painful!" "It's easy and just comes, natural." etc. I had always planned to breastfeed Kyler. That's just the way it was going to be, no doubts about it. And there was no way I was going to give my baby formula.
Shortly after giving birth, the nurse helped me get Kyler to latch on so he could breastfeed for the first time. This.took.for-ev-er! I don't know if that is normal or not, but we had a really hard time getting him to latch on, so we switched sides and had a little bit more luck. He slept almost his whole first day of his life and did not seem interested in eating. As a new mother, this freaked me out, and we kept asking the nurses about it, who assured us that everything was fine and normal. We had a nursing specialist come in once or twice to talk to us and help us out, and the nurses checked his blood sugar a couple times throughout the day to make sure he was still ok. Which he was.
We brought Kyler home the next day and the journey of parenthood began. I was very sleep-deprived and worried about what I had gotten myself into. You wonder how life is ever going to get back to "normal" again. Doing anything besides the basic shower, take care of the baby, and maybe get a bite to eat here and there seemed impossible. Simply doing a load of dishes was quite the accomplishment for me at that point.
Trying to breastfeed continued to be a struggle for Kyler and I. I wearily persisted, set on my baby being fed nothing other than breast milk. But it was a fight each time. He couldn't latch on properly. We spent most of our "feeding time" trying to get him to latch on. He only wanted to suck on the very tip of the nipple which is very painful for mom, and not very productive. It came to the point where I think we both dreaded feeding time (which came every couple hours).
I called the hospital and set up an appointment with another nursing specialist. I took Kyler out of the house on my own for the first time and made the trip up across town to the hospital. She watched me nurse and assured me that everything looked ok. I expressed my concerns about the suction noises that I would hear as he nursed and feared that he was just gulping in air. She said she had never heard anything like that before, but that it was nothing to worry about - probably just my milk coming in. She explained that I really had to force him to latch, to push his little face into my breast hard so that he could get a good latch. So I went home with more hope and tried what she had suggested.
But nursing continued to be a struggle. In fact, it may have even become worse. The more I tried to force and push his head, the more Kyler would push and fight back. I didn't want nursing to become this constant battle between us. I cried. I was tired and in pain, and I felt like I was failing as a mother. Not to mention that I was constantly worried that my baby was always hungry but never getting enough nutrients needed to sustain him and help him grow.
My doctor had a hard time nursing her baby as well, and when we went in for Kyler's 2-week appointment, she said that he was definitely hungry and suggested that I try pumping. Finally I had a solution and some hope. Kyler could still get breast milk, but we wouldn't have to fight and struggle, and I would know exactly how much he was getting. We immediately went to the medical supply store after my appointment to get a breast pump, but they were out of stock. We had to order one instead. I didn't know how much more my now-engorged breasts could take! The next day the pump came in and I was so anxious to get started. . . I got home and began pumping for the first time. I didn't like being hooked up to the pump. It felt de-humanizing. And it was very slow going. I thought I could sit down and pump for a few minutes, get a couple ounces, feed Kyler, and be good to go. But that was not to be. I pumped for about 30 minutes and got maybe 1/2 an ounce. There was no way I would ever pump enough to keep Kyler fed! Was there something wrong with the pump? Was there something wrong with me? Maybe it would just take time to work up to the necessary amount.
I continued to pump and slowly got more each time. But it would still take 30 minutes to get just a couple ounces. I was reduced to feeding Kyler formula in between the breast milk in order to sustain him. I was reluctant, but desperate. And so the process continued. I would pump for 30 minutes every 3 hours. My life was lived in 2 1/2 hour increments. I couldn't leave the house longer than that unless I planned to take the pump with me. I cried some more. Not because I was breast-feeding Kyler, but this time because I wasn't. I mourned at the loss of having that bonding experience between a mother and her child. There was no going back now. Kyler could eat much faster and easier from a bottle than from nursing, so he wouldn't really try. And to be honest, I didn't try very many times after that for fear of failure.
My life revolved around pumping. And while Kyler was getting breast milk like I wanted, I could still not keep up. And I was miserable. My back ached from sitting at the couch for hours each day hunched over the breast pump. I tried to time it just right so I could pump and still be available for office hours for the apartments, but it was hard. Trying to stay hooked up to a pump and hold and soothe your fussing baby is nearly impossible. While it is perfectly acceptable for a mother to nurse in public with a blanket or other covering, it is not so with pumping. Was this what my life was going to be like for the next year?
Aside from the inconvenience of the whole thing, I was still in extreme pain. I thought once I stopped nursing and relieved the engorgement, the pain would stop. But it didn't. Every 30 minutes or so, I would experience sharp pain in my breasts. It felt like someone was pinching them as hard as they possibly could. Mothers out there . . . is this normal? My mother said no, but my doctor told me it was just my milk coming in. This continued for months. The pain, along with lack of sleep, was wearing me thin. I didn't know how much longer I could take it. But I was so opposed to formula feeding that I kept trying, and kept dealing with the pain.
Then came the breaking point. When I finally decided that the fight wasn't worth it anymore. I realized it would be better for Kyler to have a healthy, happy, pain-free mother even if this meant no more breast milk. I slowly started to wean myself from pumping. On Halloween, I stopped completely. This process was painful as well, but finally the pain ended. I was so relieved!
I am still not thrilled about having to formula-feed Kyler. When the first ingredient is something like "corn syrup solids" can you blame me? I also think that Kyler's immune system could be stronger had he received more breast milk. But it has kept my baby alive, and we have been better off. Life has been much easier.
Before my whole experience, I thought formula feeding was for mothers who were lazy, or who worked outside of the home, or who were uneducated and didn't realize all the benefits of nursing. But now I have a different perspective. I am still a little embarrassed in the grocery store when buying formula because I fear that other women are judging me in the same way I judged formula-feeding mothers in the past. I am afraid they will think I am copping out. Or that I am a bad mom.
This experience has been humbling for me. I only did the best that I could; just like other moms out there. I will no longer judge them, because now I know how hard it can be. I am hoping for more luck with nursing with my future child/children. We will see what happens. In the end, I am just grateful that I am able to bear children, and that I gave birth to a happy and healthy baby. Being a mother is the best thing that ever happened to me. Kyler is the perfect baby for me, and I know that he was sent to me by God.
